Larry David gets help from a professional problem solver name Ashley Madison in order to get rid of Mocha Joe
Just my thoughts about what I think Season 11 Episode 1 should be.
Larry David has had it up to here with Mocha Joe keeping him up at all hours of the night with his music, late night parties, and mama showing up, like clockwork, every morning at 5 o’clock to pour milk into Mocha Joe’s Lucky Charms cereal.
Larry David goes to his fellow neighbors, the Homeowner’s Association Board, the county, the state, and even the feds in order to get help with his Mocha Joe problem but no one offers a helping hand.
They all laugh at Larry David and tell him that a troublesome neighbor is something he can afford. At his wits end, Larry David turns to Leon the one person he knows will provide somewhat of a solution to his Mocha Joe problem. Leon tells Larry David about a professional problem solver name Ashley Madison.
“One of my boys gave me this. He said she helped him get rid of
his boss. She showed up there and within two days he was
gone.” Leon tells Larry.
“Two days, huh?” ask Larry.
“Yeah, two days,” says Leon.
Leon gets his phone, clicks on the Ashley Madison app, and then hands the phone to Larry David. After reading two testimonials about “how great Ashley is,” Larry David books a one o’clock meeting with her.
During their meeting, Larry David learns that Ashley Madison is a struggling actress who uses her site in order to make ends meet. She shows Larry David her references and pay rates; which he is unwilling to pay.
“I know actresses who get paid in tickets to their on shows. And
you want me to pay you with this many zeroes?!” ask Larry.
“That’s my price, Larry. Sleep on it,” says Ashley.
During poker night, Larry David tells the rest of the fellas about the situation Leon has gotten him into with Ashley Madison.
“What are you talking about, Larry? Mocha Joe wouldn’t be living
next door to us in that muthafuckin’ spite house if you hadn’t
installed those shitless toilets.”
“It wasn’t the shitless toilets, ok. It was Chaz’s big penis,” says
Larry.
“There you go, Larry, picking on the big Johnsons. We in the big
Johnson community don’t say nothing about y’all stingy bald
muthafuckas! But y’all like saying shit about us, Larry,” says
Leon.
“The bald community isn’t careless like the big Johnson
community,” says Larry.
“Fuck you, Larry David,” says Leon.
“Fuck you, Leon,” says Larry.
After about 10 minutes of cooling down, Larry tells the rest of the fellas about Ashley Madison charging him an arm and a leg for her services. Marty Funkouser, Jeff, and Richard Lewis tell Larry David they often use Ashley Madison’s services and that she is worth every penny.
“Quality isn’t cheap, Larry. You have to pay for it,” says Marty.
“Yeah, LD. You have to stop being so cheap,” says Richard Lewis.
“That’s how I keep my money,” says Larry.
“I’m not cheap and I have money,” says Richard Lewis.
“You’re like a hundred, still working,” says Larry.
“Screw you LD, alright. Work ain’t never hurt nobody,” says
Richard Lewis.
“Just go ahead and pay her, Larry. It won’t hurt. Just think of it as
you helping a young woman out. It’s a good deed,” says Jeff.
Knowing he doesn’t have any other options, Larry begins thinking of a way to cut down on Ashley Madison’s price. While out and about the next day, Larry David runs into Cheryl and her actress friend, Jennifer Tilly. Larry David ask Jennifer Tilly what, besides money, do actress like to get paid in. Jennifer Tilly tells Larry David that “perks” are nice.
“Perks, huh,” says Larry.
“Yeah, perks like diamonds, furs, and spa dates. You know, things
like that, Larry.” “Perks, huh,” says Jennifer Tilly.
Cheryl’s antennas go up and she ask Larry David why is he asking Jennifer Tilly about paying actresses when he already knows this stuff due to him being an executive producer. Cheryl’s question turns on all of the light bulbs on Larry’s porch. Larry David tells Cheryl thanks and that he has to go because he has figured something out.
While running down the street, he almost knocks Ted off his feet into a trash bin. Ted yells, “Hey, watch where you’re going!” Larry doesn’t hear a word Ted says because his mind is preoccupied with the “perks” he is going to give as payment to Ashley Madison. Cheryl looks up and sees Ted, who is trying to get back with her again, and goes the other way.
Over at Jeff’s and Susie’s, Susie is wailing in on Jeff’s head because he should have been in bed resting up from back surgery and not over at Larry’s playing poker with the rest of the fellas: “You big dumb fat fuck. You go and throw your back out while trying to pick up a piece of fucking paper. And now, you’re over at Larry’s playing poker when you know you should be home resting up. What are you trying to do, make me a young widow?!”
Larry pulls up in the driveway, gets out the car, goes to the door, and hears Susie cursing up a storm. Susie peeps out the window and sees Larry standing on the doorstep. She opens the door and then lets in on him.
“Larry David you bald fuck! You did this,” says Susie
“Did what?!” ask Larry.
“This, look at him! He’s just sitting there, doing nothing, all
because of you and that fucking poker game of yours,” says Susie.
“I didn’t do nothing! What did I do?!” ask Larry.
“You got him up out of the bed! He’s suppose to be bedridden. He
threw his back out trying to pick up a piece of fucking paper! And
now because of you and your fucking poker game he may never
be able to walk again,” says Susie.
Exhausted from the 20 minute curseathon, Jeff decides he better go ahead and put an end to it before Susie’s mouth puts him into an early grave: “All right, enough. Ok, I’m fine. I’m fine. Just go, go. Larry, what do you need?”
Susie looks at Larry with disgust and Larry lets out an exasperated sigh. After Susie charges up the stairs, Larry tells Jeff he has found a solution to his Ashley Madison problem. And the solution is none other than Larry David being who he is, the producer. Jeff gives Larry David one of those “uh” looks and decides he doesn’t want to know anything else about it. Like a kid in a candy store, Larry jumps up, runs out the door, drives home, and calls Ashley Madison to tell her the news about how he is going to pay her.
After the two meet again, Larry David tells Ashley Madison about his plan to put her in a new movie he is writing and executively producing. Larry David tells Ashley Madison she will get a major role as the friend of the friend to the friend of the lead actress, played by Jennifer Tilly, plus perks. Ashely Madison agrees to the deal and the plan to get rid of Mocha Joe goes into effect.
Ashley Madison and Mocha Joe have Zoom dates. They use DoorDash to order Chinese Food, and they binge watch The Crown on Netflix. Within five days of “Zooming,” “DoorDashing,” and “Netflixing,” Mocha Joe ask Ashley Madison to marry him.
They go to a custom diamond maker, name Bashir, to get matching his and hers engagement rings and wedding rings. A prenup is signed and the two have a Hawaiian theme wedding in Mocha Joe’s backyard. Everyone is there; Larry David, Leon, Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend Mandy who he met on Ashley Madison dot com, Cheryl and Jennifer Tilly, Ted by himself, and Susie with Jeff in a wheelchair.
Ted tries getting back with Cheryl again. Leon hits on Jennifer Tilly. Richard Lewis shows Mandy off to the other guests. Susie wheels Jeff around and introduces him to people he doesn’t want to meet.
Larry manages to catch up to Mocha Joe and ask him how is he able to afford a big fancy wedding when he has no income coming in. Mocha Joe tells Larry to mind his own beeswax and he is still trying to figure out why Ashley invited him. Knowing his plan is working perfectly, Larry David looks at Mocha Joe, smiles, and tells him, “Ok Mocha Joe. Ok!”
As Larry David is going about his own beeswax, he sees the new Mrs. Mocha Joe talking to Jennifer Tilly. Larry’s eyes stretch and those wheels begin turning. “Shit! I wonder if she knows. She doesn’t know. She can’t know. They’re just talking,” is what Larry says to himself. Mrs. Mocha Joe’s piercing eyes, however, say otherwise. Sensing the fury coming from her piercing stare, Larry hurries back home and hides out, for the rest of the day, in his office watching old Sophia Loren movies.
Three days after getting married, Ashley Madison tells Mocha Joe she wants a divorce. Mocha Joe says “hell no!” and then threatens to “Scott Peterson her ass” if she even thinks about divorcing him.
Undeterred by Mocha Joe’s threats, Ashley Madison gets the most expensive lawyer Mocah Joe’s money can buy. With the help of her pricey attorney, Ashley Madison divorces Mocha Joe, gets his house, and his beans which allows her to get a new website called Ashley’s Scones & Hot Coffee dot com.
The next time Larry David sees Mocha Joe is on the Warner Brothers lot selling Ashley’s Scones & Hot Coffee out of a cart. Larry tells Mocha Joe he wants some of his famous coffee and one of those scones. Mocha Joe looks at Larry and tells him he knows he did this and he is going to figure out how.
While Larry is waiting for Mocha Joe to finish his order, Richard Lewis shows up with his girlfriend Mandy who he met on Ashley Madison dot com.
“Hey LD, what are you doing here?” ask Richard Lewis.
“I have a meeting about a new script I’m writing. What are you
doing here?” ask Larry.
“I have a meeting, too. You remember, Mandy?” ask Richard Lewis.
“Hello,” says Larry.
“Hello Larry,” says Mandy.
“We’re engage,” says Richard Lewis.
“Huh?! You just met her like a day a go,” says Larry.
“Yeah, so what, the heart wants what it wants and my heart
wants Mandy,” says Richard Lewis.
“Didn’t you two meet on Ashley Madison dot net?” ask Larry.
“What are you freaking nuts? What are you talking about Ashley
Madison dot net? We met on Ashley Madison dot com,” says
Richard Lewis.
“During the poker game, you said ‘Ashley Madison,’” says Larry.
“Yeah, Ashley Madison dot com, not dot net. I swear, LD, old age
is catching up with you. First your hearing goes and now your
senses are going, too. I feel for you, man,” says Richard Lewis.
“Old age, yeah, you’re older than me,” says Larry.
“…by three days. And so what, I’m getting married in a couple of
days! You coming to the wedding?!” ask Richard Lewis
“Yeah, I’m coming,” says Larry.
“Don’t miss it. I’ll send you an invitation in the mail with the time,
date, location, and everything,” says Richard Lewis.
“Bye Mr. Larry,” says Mandy.
“Bye,” says Larry.
After Mocha Joe finishes ringing up Larry’s order, Ashley Madison comes along and tells Mocha Joe that Larry must pay another price; which she writes down on a piece of paper and hands over to Larry David.
“I’m not paying this! And another thing, I just found out that
you’re not even the real Ashley Madison. You’re Ashley Madison
dot net, not Ashley Madison dot com,” says Larry.
“Yeah, what the fuck ever, Larry. You better just give me my
motherfucking money for those “perks” that you owe me,” says
Ashley Madison.
“What is she talking about, ‘perks,’ Larry?” ask Mocha Joe.
“You just mind your fucking business and keep ringing up Ashley
Madison’s Scones & Hot Coffee. Perks…now Larry,” says Ashley
Madison.
Larry David looks at all of the zeroes on the paper, glances over at Mocha Joe, and then decides it is best for him to just pay up. Larry tells her he is going to be short by several zeroes because he only has twenty dollars on him.
“Where is it then, Larry?!” ask Ashley Madison.
“My checkbook is in the car,” says Larry.
“Let’s go. You keep getting weirder and weirder, Larry. Who keeps
a fucking checkbook in the car?! I don’t even keep credit cards in
the car anymore. I have Apple Pay,” says Ashley Madison.
Larry goes to the passenger side of car and opens the door and then the glove department; which is where his checkbook is. Larry looks up at Ashley Madison who gives him a look.
“I only have one check,” says Larry.
“Now, Larry,” says Ashley Madison.
“Who do I make this out to?” ask Larry.
“Ashley Martha Madison,” says Ashley Martha Madison.
Larry slowly writes the check with the number five and all the zeroes in front of it for Ashley Martha Madison. “Good doing business with you, Larry,” is what Ashley Martha Madison says as she walks over to her little red Corvette.
Larry David has had it up to here with Mocha Joe keeping him up at all hours of the night with his music, late night parties, and mama showing up, like clockwork, every morning at 5 o’clock to pour milk into Mocha Joe’s Lucky Charms cereal.
Larry David goes to his fellow neighbors, the Homeowner’s Association Board, the county, the state, and even the feds in order to get help with his Mocha Joe problem but no one offers a helping hand.
They all laugh at Larry David and tell him that a troublesome neighbor is something he can afford. At his wits end, Larry David turns to Leon the one person he knows will provide somewhat of a solution to his Mocha Joe problem. Leon tells Larry David about a professional problem solver name Ashley Madison.
“One of my boys gave me this. He said she helped him get rid of
his boss. She showed up there and within two days he was
gone.” Leon tells Larry.
“Two days, huh?” ask Larry.
“Yeah, two days,” says Leon.
Leon gets his phone, clicks on the Ashley Madison app, and then hands the phone to Larry David. After reading two testimonials about “how great Ashley is,” Larry David books a one o’clock meeting with her.
During their meeting, Larry David learns that Ashley Madison is a struggling actress who uses her site in order to make ends meet. She shows Larry David her references and pay rates; which he is unwilling to pay.
“I know actresses who get paid in tickets to their on shows. And
you want me to pay you with this many zeroes?!” ask Larry.
“That’s my price, Larry. Sleep on it,” says Ashley.
During poker night, Larry David tells the rest of the fellas about the situation Leon has gotten him into with Ashley Madison.
“What are you talking about, Larry? Mocha Joe wouldn’t be living
next door to us in that muthafuckin’ spite house if you hadn’t
installed those shitless toilets.”
“It wasn’t the shitless toilets, ok. It was Chaz’s big penis,” says
Larry.
“There you go, Larry, picking on the big Johnsons. We in the big
Johnson community don’t say nothing about y’all stingy bald
muthafuckas! But y’all like saying shit about us, Larry,” says
Leon.
“The bald community isn’t careless like the big Johnson
community,” says Larry.
“Fuck you, Larry David,” says Leon.
“Fuck you, Leon,” says Larry.
After about 10 minutes of cooling down, Larry tells the rest of the fellas about Ashley Madison charging him an arm and a leg for her services. Marty Funkouser, Jeff, and Richard Lewis tell Larry David they often use Ashley Madison’s services and that she is worth every penny.
“Quality isn’t cheap, Larry. You have to pay for it,” says Marty.
“Yeah, LD. You have to stop being so cheap,” says Richard Lewis.
“That’s how I keep my money,” says Larry.
“I’m not cheap and I have money,” says Richard Lewis.
“You’re like a hundred, still working,” says Larry.
“Screw you LD, alright. Work ain’t never hurt nobody,” says
Richard Lewis.
“Just go ahead and pay her, Larry. It won’t hurt. Just think of it as
you helping a young woman out. It’s a good deed,” says Jeff.
Knowing he doesn’t have any other options, Larry begins thinking of a way to cut down on Ashley Madison’s price. While out and about the next day, Larry David runs into Cheryl and her actress friend, Jennifer Tilly. Larry David ask Jennifer Tilly what, besides money, do actress like to get paid in. Jennifer Tilly tells Larry David that “perks” are nice.
“Perks, huh,” says Larry.
“Yeah, perks like diamonds, furs, and spa dates. You know, things
like that, Larry.” “Perks, huh,” says Jennifer Tilly.
Cheryl’s antennas go up and she ask Larry David why is he asking Jennifer Tilly about paying actresses when he already knows this stuff due to him being an executive producer. Cheryl’s question turns on all of the light bulbs on Larry’s porch. Larry David tells Cheryl thanks and that he has to go because he has figured something out.
While running down the street, he almost knocks Ted off his feet into a trash bin. Ted yells, “Hey, watch where you’re going!” Larry doesn’t hear a word Ted says because his mind is preoccupied with the “perks” he is going to give as payment to Ashley Madison. Cheryl looks up and sees Ted, who is trying to get back with her again, and goes the other way.
Over at Jeff’s and Susie’s, Susie is wailing in on Jeff’s head because he should have been in bed resting up from back surgery and not over at Larry’s playing poker with the rest of the fellas: “You big dumb fat fuck. You go and throw your back out while trying to pick up a piece of fucking paper. And now, you’re over at Larry’s playing poker when you know you should be home resting up. What are you trying to do, make me a young widow?!”
Larry pulls up in the driveway, gets out the car, goes to the door, and hears Susie cursing up a storm. Susie peeps out the window and sees Larry standing on the doorstep. She opens the door and then lets in on him.
“Larry David you bald fuck! You did this,” says Susie
“Did what?!” ask Larry.
“This, look at him! He’s just sitting there, doing nothing, all
because of you and that fucking poker game of yours,” says Susie.
“I didn’t do nothing! What did I do?!” ask Larry.
“You got him up out of the bed! He’s suppose to be bedridden. He
threw his back out trying to pick up a piece of fucking paper! And
now because of you and your fucking poker game he may never
be able to walk again,” says Susie.
Exhausted from the 20 minute curseathon, Jeff decides he better go ahead and put an end to it before Susie’s mouth puts him into an early grave: “All right, enough. Ok, I’m fine. I’m fine. Just go, go. Larry, what do you need?”
Susie looks at Larry with disgust and Larry lets out an exasperated sigh. After Susie charges up the stairs, Larry tells Jeff he has found a solution to his Ashley Madison problem. And the solution is none other than Larry David being who he is, the producer. Jeff gives Larry David one of those “uh” looks and decides he doesn’t want to know anything else about it. Like a kid in a candy store, Larry jumps up, runs out the door, drives home, and calls Ashley Madison to tell her the news about how he is going to pay her.
After the two meet again, Larry David tells Ashley Madison about his plan to put her in a new movie he is writing and executively producing. Larry David tells Ashley Madison she will get a major role as the friend of the friend to the friend of the lead actress, played by Jennifer Tilly, plus perks. Ashely Madison agrees to the deal and the plan to get rid of Mocha Joe goes into effect.
Ashley Madison and Mocha Joe have Zoom dates. They use DoorDash to order Chinese Food, and they binge watch The Crown on Netflix. Within five days of “Zooming,” “DoorDashing,” and “Netflixing,” Mocha Joe ask Ashley Madison to marry him.
They go to a custom diamond maker, name Bashir, to get matching his and hers engagement rings and wedding rings. A prenup is signed and the two have a Hawaiian theme wedding in Mocha Joe’s backyard. Everyone is there; Larry David, Leon, Richard Lewis and his new girlfriend Mandy who he met on Ashley Madison dot com, Cheryl and Jennifer Tilly, Ted by himself, and Susie with Jeff in a wheelchair.
Ted tries getting back with Cheryl again. Leon hits on Jennifer Tilly. Richard Lewis shows Mandy off to the other guests. Susie wheels Jeff around and introduces him to people he doesn’t want to meet.
Larry manages to catch up to Mocha Joe and ask him how is he able to afford a big fancy wedding when he has no income coming in. Mocha Joe tells Larry to mind his own beeswax and he is still trying to figure out why Ashley invited him. Knowing his plan is working perfectly, Larry David looks at Mocha Joe, smiles, and tells him, “Ok Mocha Joe. Ok!”
As Larry David is going about his own beeswax, he sees the new Mrs. Mocha Joe talking to Jennifer Tilly. Larry’s eyes stretch and those wheels begin turning. “Shit! I wonder if she knows. She doesn’t know. She can’t know. They’re just talking,” is what Larry says to himself. Mrs. Mocha Joe’s piercing eyes, however, say otherwise. Sensing the fury coming from her piercing stare, Larry hurries back home and hides out, for the rest of the day, in his office watching old Sophia Loren movies.
Three days after getting married, Ashley Madison tells Mocha Joe she wants a divorce. Mocha Joe says “hell no!” and then threatens to “Scott Peterson her ass” if she even thinks about divorcing him.
Undeterred by Mocha Joe’s threats, Ashley Madison gets the most expensive lawyer Mocah Joe’s money can buy. With the help of her pricey attorney, Ashley Madison divorces Mocha Joe, gets his house, and his beans which allows her to get a new website called Ashley’s Scones & Hot Coffee dot com.
The next time Larry David sees Mocha Joe is on the Warner Brothers lot selling Ashley’s Scones & Hot Coffee out of a cart. Larry tells Mocha Joe he wants some of his famous coffee and one of those scones. Mocha Joe looks at Larry and tells him he knows he did this and he is going to figure out how.
While Larry is waiting for Mocha Joe to finish his order, Richard Lewis shows up with his girlfriend Mandy who he met on Ashley Madison dot com.
“Hey LD, what are you doing here?” ask Richard Lewis.
“I have a meeting about a new script I’m writing. What are you
doing here?” ask Larry.
“I have a meeting, too. You remember, Mandy?” ask Richard Lewis.
“Hello,” says Larry.
“Hello Larry,” says Mandy.
“We’re engage,” says Richard Lewis.
“Huh?! You just met her like a day a go,” says Larry.
“Yeah, so what, the heart wants what it wants and my heart
wants Mandy,” says Richard Lewis.
“Didn’t you two meet on Ashley Madison dot net?” ask Larry.
“What are you freaking nuts? What are you talking about Ashley
Madison dot net? We met on Ashley Madison dot com,” says
Richard Lewis.
“During the poker game, you said ‘Ashley Madison,’” says Larry.
“Yeah, Ashley Madison dot com, not dot net. I swear, LD, old age
is catching up with you. First your hearing goes and now your
senses are going, too. I feel for you, man,” says Richard Lewis.
“Old age, yeah, you’re older than me,” says Larry.
“…by three days. And so what, I’m getting married in a couple of
days! You coming to the wedding?!” ask Richard Lewis
“Yeah, I’m coming,” says Larry.
“Don’t miss it. I’ll send you an invitation in the mail with the time,
date, location, and everything,” says Richard Lewis.
“Bye Mr. Larry,” says Mandy.
“Bye,” says Larry.
After Mocha Joe finishes ringing up Larry’s order, Ashley Madison comes along and tells Mocha Joe that Larry must pay another price; which she writes down on a piece of paper and hands over to Larry David.
“I’m not paying this! And another thing, I just found out that
you’re not even the real Ashley Madison. You’re Ashley Madison
dot net, not Ashley Madison dot com,” says Larry.
“Yeah, what the fuck ever, Larry. You better just give me my
motherfucking money for those “perks” that you owe me,” says
Ashley Madison.
“What is she talking about, ‘perks,’ Larry?” ask Mocha Joe.
“You just mind your fucking business and keep ringing up Ashley
Madison’s Scones & Hot Coffee. Perks…now Larry,” says Ashley
Madison.
Larry David looks at all of the zeroes on the paper, glances over at Mocha Joe, and then decides it is best for him to just pay up. Larry tells her he is going to be short by several zeroes because he only has twenty dollars on him.
“Where is it then, Larry?!” ask Ashley Madison.
“My checkbook is in the car,” says Larry.
“Let’s go. You keep getting weirder and weirder, Larry. Who keeps
a fucking checkbook in the car?! I don’t even keep credit cards in
the car anymore. I have Apple Pay,” says Ashley Madison.
Larry goes to the passenger side of car and opens the door and then the glove department; which is where his checkbook is. Larry looks up at Ashley Madison who gives him a look.
“I only have one check,” says Larry.
“Now, Larry,” says Ashley Madison.
“Who do I make this out to?” ask Larry.
“Ashley Martha Madison,” says Ashley Martha Madison.
Larry slowly writes the check with the number five and all the zeroes in front of it for Ashley Martha Madison. “Good doing business with you, Larry,” is what Ashley Martha Madison says as she walks over to her little red Corvette.
comments powered by Disqus